i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
