Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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