Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
