you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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