I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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