Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
