I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
