Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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