I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
