I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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