he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
