you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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