Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
