If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
you had me at cake vodka
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
