Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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