apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
