She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
