I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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