mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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