its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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