Dude my mom stole all your condoms
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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