connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
