You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
