she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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