my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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