im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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