i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
