trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
