What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
