clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
