I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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