I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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