she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
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if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
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The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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