I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
