I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
