I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
