Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
