Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
