i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
