At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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