All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
