I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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