i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
