The maid of honor just puked.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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