i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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