OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
