meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
