How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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