boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
