My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
