All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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