You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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