a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
