Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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