Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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