i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Someone signed my nipple.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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