Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
