if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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