I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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