ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
