You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
